So did I. Many times. About half the time it worked out great. The other half, it sucked, just like yours does now. You are not alone.
I'm constantly broke, on the verge of poverty...
Then get a job, any job. It doesn't have to be programming. It'll get you out of the house, get you with other people, and put a few bucks in your pocket. If you love programming enough, you'll find time to keep it going on the side.
I'm deeply depressed and contemplating suicide
Don't. Contact me anytime (see my profile). When things are going well, they're never as good as they seem. When they are going poorly, they're never as bad as they seem.
I have to constantly hear my father shout what an idiot I am for quitting a high-paying job
Fathers are sometimes wrong. Yours is now. Don't listen to him.
My friends make fun of me for making a retarded life decision.
When things get tough, you find out who you're friends really are. I know it's not much consolation, but you just did. Be glad you saved a lot of time and energy. Anyone who makes fun of you was never your friend, just an acquaintence.
I can't really do anything else, since apparently finding a new job, is kind of hard and I have to go through the whole step where I admit my failure and start over and I don't even know what I want anymore.
Don't ever say "can't" because it's not true. You can. Just find any job and go from there. First you crawl, then you walk, then you run. Many of us have already been there. You can do it too.
I thought I would become free, but I've actually become less free as a result of it.
So far. What you don't see now since you are in the midst of this is that this was just one backward (or sideways) step in a long journey forward. I don't know anyone who is successful that had only forward steps. We have all had these backward steps. It sounds like this may have been your first big one. That might be why it hurts so much.
I'm 20, I have no college diploma, no high school diploma, ...
None of that matters. All that really matters is what's inside your head and your heart. Once you decide to start taking positive steps, you'll see.
I'm an idiot, essentially.
Please don't ever say that. You're not, and I have proof: If you were really an idiot, then you wouldn't have posted this here.
It just didn't work out and it feels very painful.
Thanks for the warning. You may have just saved a lot of people a lot of pain with this post.
And thanks for your story. I have been there (several times) as I imagine many others here have as well. It gets better. I promise. But you have to stop feeling miserable and take a positive step. Posting here was your first step. Talking to some of us off-line may be another. And getting out of the house and finding a job, any job, is probably your next best step.
Please give it a shot a keep us posted. We're not going anywhere and we care. Really.
I only want to add that you are welcome to contact me (I'm a pastor and a programmer :-) if you need more help with the depression and suicidal thoughts. My contact information is in my profile.
My startup is a church congregation ... which in some ways is nothing like a technology startup, but in other ways is very similar. So I understand everything you wrote.
Then get a job, any job. It doesn't have to be programming. It'll get you out of the house, get you with other people, and put a few bucks in your pocket. If you love programming enough, you'll find time to keep it going on the side.
Totally second the "any job" part. I'd go as far as to say try to do something that isn't programming. Speaking from experience, sometimes the reason freelancing isn't going so well is some degree of burnout, and sometimes it's been the fact that although I thought it was what I wanted to do, really it was the only skill I had that I was qualified to freelance with, so it felt like having a job - but worse.
If you can't find something mindless to do that provides a new perspective and a new social circle, try to switch up what you're doing daily; write a blog, draw, whatever appeals to you.
One time when I had quit, took a break, went abroad, came back home. Nothing to do, not sure what to do. Went and found work in a warehouse, lifting lumber. Paid by the hour in cash, no taxes (shhh!). Wasn't big cash, but enough to get by. Worked with a bunch of Mexicans who all roomed together making more money here non-taxed, lifting lumber in a warehouse, then they could make in Mexico.
It was invigorating because it was exercise. It was refreshing because it was mindless. I loved it. And all that usage of my core muscles to lift stuff made my poo come out better to boot. :)
Sometimes, any job, just any job, is just the ticket until you move onto your next thing.
You may also find that working in an area unrelated to computers you'll find an idea for a project or niche business that will work. There are lots of businesses that need engineers and programmers to help them but can't figure out where to look first.
This is great advice. In many industries, what you take for granted (the usefulness of software) is voodoo. Getting a job in any area will expose you to interesting problems that are begging to be solved. Your skills will be unique and valued. If paying work is in short supply, start with volunteering. At minimum, it will get you out of the house and expose you to a new network of people.
You nailed it. As an example, recently I got back into music, started playing with a band, and then it hit me - there is an opportunity to make some iPad apps to help when on stage and in the practice studio.
You can spend your life as an engineer always looking for other people's problems to solve, and always running out of motivation. When you have your own problem to solve, out of necessity or convenience, the motivation is there by default.
From personal experience, there's also this great moment of pride that comes when you hand someone a tool they've been dying for and it works exactly as they wanted it.
You are (momentarily) a genius, a god, a lifesaver. Until they find the first bug, then it's back to business. =)
Also, you're 20. I'm twice your age and I've made far more serious mistakes at your age that have had minimal negative impact on my life. Don't fear life.
You're young and free, don't sweat it and certainly don't get depressed about failures. You have plenty of life left to use what you've learned from them to succeed.
One of the biggest mistakes we make when we are young (meaning, me, I made this mistake) is we think that if we don't become millionaires by 25 we are failures. That's bullshit fed to us by the media who claims only young people win in startups.
I also second the 'get a job, any job'. Adversity is a part of life. Getting rich is hard, really, really fucking hard. Trust me, I went through suicidal depressions when I was 20 too, and I wasn't living with my parents - I was living on the street. I'm not about to tell someone to just 'suck it up', but I will tell you that you are nowhere near as alone as the world is trying to make you feel.
One of the biggest mistakes we make when we are young (meaning, me, I made this mistake) is we think that if we don't become millionaires by 25 we are failures.
No shit, I am 36 and I am working on my fifth million!
Yes, I would give alot to have known that I could have done that when I was 20, instead of waiting til much later when the stakes were much higher.
Unless your father quit his job and successfully started a company, you can probably ignore his advice, and you certainly should not take it to heart or let it get you so down. Parental approval just doesn't have bearing on reality.
I will second (or apparently 338th) this. I was in a similar position to you - and it took me 5-6 years to get back from being so broke I literally could not pay the admin fee for bankruptcy, to charging 1000 dollars a day.
It was not a smooth road, nor an easy one, but it is a road many of us have travelled and we can let you know about some of the worst potholes.
You are in the right profession, and you have the balls to take a leap like that while still in your teens. The history of entreprenuers say the odds are actually in your favour, even if it does not feel like it.
Just to let you know, at my lowest point, after months of failed "proper" job hunting, my wife told me to get out the house and get a job stacking shelves at the local supermarket. A week later I was in the freezer section, stacking sausages. It did not last long but it was the turn around I needed.
Don't worry about the "high status" jobs - take any job and work up.
And Remember the wise words of Kipling - to take both Triumph and Disaster and treat those two imposters both the same.
Great advice, the best part:
I'm an idiot, essentially.
Please don't ever say that. You're not, and I have proof: If you were really an idiot, then you wouldn't have posted this here.
In addition of what 'edw519' just said (which btw spared me a lot of words, thanks for that), nowadays, although I can feel quite miserable and suffer a lot on this kind of situation (which I'm in middle of one right now), I usually thank my life for having it happening.
And do you know why? Because it's due to such things we grow a whole lot more with these tough moments in life, since it compels us to think about what we have done wrong, what were out mistakes to end up this way and makes us to put everything in perspective and therefore rethink our life and evolve and learn a lot from that.
See, I'm a 26 years old programmer and on Saturday (Oct 15th) will complete 1 year my mom has passed away in a totally unexpected way (and that brought me a lot of legal and heritage consequences -- and a lot of big choices I wasn't prepared to make so early) and I don't have to mention all that messed up a lot my life.
So here I am now in a middle of a crossroad, rethinking my life and deeming quit programming and start one of my others wills, like carpentry or something like that, trying to talk to friends or friends' parents who work someway with that kind of thing. So, the point is you always has options to take before really thinking of suiciding (and I could say I'm bipolar who has his depressed moments), despite I've never thought of killing myself.
And I'm almost completely broke and just moved to a new apartment with my brother, which I'm still paying for it all by myself. I must say I have some tempting job offers in front of me in my programming area, but I think now is a good cue to starting doing some new stuff (and I deem myself quite great on web programming, and my friends and former coworkers think the same).
Whenever you find yourself struggling like you're doing and kind of stuck it's time to put everything in perspective and consider doing something new and somewhat unexpected and maybe your life will present you completely exciting and new things. And it's rather important to throw your pride away and ignore what people around you are saying. It's more important than ever to hear your inner voice, your intuition and find what could make you happy or at least make you away from your current feeling of failure.
Just wanted to reiterate two points: (i) you are never as happy or as unhappy as you think" and (ii) you can contact HNers, including me for support, just so that you see that you are not alone.
So did I. Many times. About half the time it worked out great. The other half, it sucked, just like yours does now. You are not alone.
I'm constantly broke, on the verge of poverty...
Then get a job, any job. It doesn't have to be programming. It'll get you out of the house, get you with other people, and put a few bucks in your pocket. If you love programming enough, you'll find time to keep it going on the side.
I'm deeply depressed and contemplating suicide
Don't. Contact me anytime (see my profile). When things are going well, they're never as good as they seem. When they are going poorly, they're never as bad as they seem.
I have to constantly hear my father shout what an idiot I am for quitting a high-paying job
Fathers are sometimes wrong. Yours is now. Don't listen to him.
My friends make fun of me for making a retarded life decision.
When things get tough, you find out who you're friends really are. I know it's not much consolation, but you just did. Be glad you saved a lot of time and energy. Anyone who makes fun of you was never your friend, just an acquaintence.
I can't really do anything else, since apparently finding a new job, is kind of hard and I have to go through the whole step where I admit my failure and start over and I don't even know what I want anymore.
Don't ever say "can't" because it's not true. You can. Just find any job and go from there. First you crawl, then you walk, then you run. Many of us have already been there. You can do it too.
I thought I would become free, but I've actually become less free as a result of it.
So far. What you don't see now since you are in the midst of this is that this was just one backward (or sideways) step in a long journey forward. I don't know anyone who is successful that had only forward steps. We have all had these backward steps. It sounds like this may have been your first big one. That might be why it hurts so much.
I'm 20, I have no college diploma, no high school diploma, ...
None of that matters. All that really matters is what's inside your head and your heart. Once you decide to start taking positive steps, you'll see.
I'm an idiot, essentially.
Please don't ever say that. You're not, and I have proof: If you were really an idiot, then you wouldn't have posted this here.
It just didn't work out and it feels very painful.
Thanks for the warning. You may have just saved a lot of people a lot of pain with this post.
And thanks for your story. I have been there (several times) as I imagine many others here have as well. It gets better. I promise. But you have to stop feeling miserable and take a positive step. Posting here was your first step. Talking to some of us off-line may be another. And getting out of the house and finding a job, any job, is probably your next best step.
Please give it a shot a keep us posted. We're not going anywhere and we care. Really.