I noticed you failed to mention utilitarianism, which asserts that there is no better guiding principle for ethical choices than the greatest potential well being (or happiness) of all affected sentient individuals. [This is the one Sam Harris gets accused of 'ripping off' without mentioning it by philosophy types who dislike him.] I've heard and read a whole lotta bluster from people who have nitpicky issues with it, but I find it pretty satisfying.
That is wondrously hilarious. I am saving it, thank you.
Yes, there are some good counter-arguments (such as the one the comic refers to), but in my mind they more indicate potential pitfalls that need to be discussed and worked around rather than completely destroying the theory.
Most of this stuff doesn't translate into real world scenarios effectively regardless, I look at it more as helping guide complex decisions which have to be made in a chaotic and fast moving world that is difficult or impossible to reduce down to pure data.
Wikipedia - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Utilitarianism